That’s Easy For You To Say

There are two statements I often hear in marital counseling that really get under my skin. I don’t think that these statements are made out of malicious intent (most of the time), but I do think that they are used as leverage in the power politics of marital negotiations.

The first statement is this: "The Bible says wives are supposed to submit to their husbands." This quote comes from the frustrated husband whose wife is not doing what he wants her to do. So, since he does not have (or has not earned) the relational authority in the marriage to get what he wants, he pulls out the big guns and diverts the issue. He changes the game on her and shifts the issue from an issue between husband and wife to an issue between God and wife. He is effectively off the hook. And hey, it’s in the Bible so it’s got to be true.

The fact that this quote comes from the Bible really irks me. It is not that I have some issue with the Bible. Really, I like the Bible. The problem I have is what kind of violence a person has to do to scripture in order to use it in this way.

All you have to do is read the few verses before and after this verse quoted to realize that the whole point of the passage is mutual submission, mutual sacrifice, and mutual surrender. It is a beautiful picture of marriage; not a relational weapon dressed up in religious language to privilege men in marriage.

The second statement that gets under my skin is this: "I just wish he would be the spiritual leader." This quote comes from the frustrated wife whose husband is not doing what she wants him to do. So, since she does not has the power of positive persuasion, she uses guilt, manipulation, and spiritual browbeating to get her way. She plays the victim. Make no mistake about it, this statement is meant as an accusation. It may come in tones of helplessness or maybe good intentions, but it is the female version of "wife submit."

In fact, let me translate this one for you. "If my husband weren’t so stupid, such a dolt, I could have a better life. Everything wrong in my life is his fault. If he doesn’t do what I want him to do he is defying God." When I hear this one it often comes with the assumption that she knows what male spiritual leadership looks like in a marriage and he has no idea what it looks like. She somehow assumes that she is the conduit from God to know what he is supposed to do, but God has no real interest in keeping him in the loop.

What is really true in almost all cases, neither of them knows what male leadership (or female leadership for that matter) looks like in a marriage.

There is so much irony in both of these statements: they are both uttered by Christian people in the most unchristian of ways. A certain hypocrisy is exposed when these statements are used in order to force a behavior in a marriage.

Now, it is not to say that there aren’t women in marriages who are out of control; there are. And it is not to say that there aren’t men in marriages who are bumps on a log: there are. That’s not the point. The point is two-fold. First, using God and the Bible as a relational weapon goes counter to the very nature of the God you’re using as a weapon. Second, it never works. I have never seen a wife who was ordered to submit by her husband cheerfully and willingly hop into submission. And I have never seen a husband spring into action when told he was not a sufficient spiritual leader.

When working out problems in your marriage, rather than using God as a weapon, trying living in God’s character.