I woke up the other night overhearing a conversation that was in progress. I got really curious about this conversation because I think the one speaking was talking about me. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to eavesdrop and listen in on what was being said. I quickly realized that I was, in fact, the topic of conversation and that the one speaking about me was Fear.
Fear didn't speak English - not in the conversation I was listening to. It spoke its own language. It was not a spoken language at all or even a nonverbal language. Fear spoke one of the emotional languages, so it was not easy for me to interpret the meaning of what it said in any efficient or quick way. I labored heavily translating fear-speak into English. It was exhausting at times.
I write down everything I heard. Here is what Fear believes about me:
Fear believes I am weak. It says I am merely the sum of my instincts and so is everyone else. It believes that the powerful will dominate and that I am not powerful.
Fear believes I am stupid. It wants to convince me that I don't think right and everyone else knows it - and everyone else exploits it. It wants me to believe that the joke is on me, that everyone else holds in their laughter until I am gone, and then their mocking, contemptuous and gleeful laughter pours out at my expense.
Fear believes my body is ugly. It says I am undesirable. It wants me to believe that anyone who gives me attention can have me, that affirmation is enough, that affirmation is all there is. It believes that my body is not spiritual, that my body is worthless, that my body is the problem.
Fear believes that I am dying. It says death is the end and the end is near. It says we are all dying and therefore life is pointless. Fear believes life ends when the body quits.
Fear believes that I am insignificant. It says I do not matter, that my life makes no difference, that my death would not even be noticed.
Fear believes I am powerless. It wants to convince me that life happens to me and there is nothing I can do about it. It is trying to find a way to get me to believe that I cannot resist, that I cannot subvert, that I cannot be myself because an identity will be issued to me regardless of who I am.
Fear believes I am unlovable. It wants me to assume that if people really knew me they would hate me. It wants to convince me that pretending is my best chance for love, that being fake is the pathway to acceptance.
Fear believes I am unforgivable. It wants me to believe that I have done too much that is too wrong, that I am permanently stained, that I am broken beyond repair. Fear wants to convince me that I cannot be OK because of what I've done.
Fear believes I will never get home - because there is no such thing. It says I was born to be homeless, that there is no where to go, that the very deepest and purest longing of my heart is a lie. It wants to convince me that my longing for home is evidence that I am crazy.
Fear believes I am alone, completely isolated. It says people aren't worth trusting and that it's all up too me. It says that friendship with Fear is the best I can do.
Fear believes I should worry all the time. It desires for me to be consumed in anxiety. It wants to convince me that hope is for fools and that peace is a lie because it is impossible.
Fear believes gratification is the solution, that distraction solves problems. Fear says pain is the enemy and that medication, gratification, and sedation are the solution. It believe numb comfort is the highest achievement.
After listening to what Fear believes about me, I had this response:
Fear does not know me.
Fear does not understand me.
Fear underestimates me badly.
Fear does not know God.
Fear has nothing better to do.
Fear is the opposite of everything I know of love.
Fear is the absence of love.
Fear is death in slow motion.
Fear is desperate to justify its existence.
Fear is the taproot of hate: hate of self, hate of other, hate of God.
Fear has many words, but nothing to say.
Fear has many ideas, but none of them life-giving.
Fear is death energy.
Fear makes many claims, but none of them are true.
None of us is what Fear believes us to be.
We are children of God, born with the DNA of our parents - God.
We are vulnerable, yet strong;
We are sensitive, but fierce;
Our lives have inherent, intrinsic, and immutable meaning;
Our collective mistakes are a single drop of water in the galaxy;
We are the answer to God's question, "what is the most loveable thing I could create?"
Inside of us are infinite capacities for beauty, compassion, love, courage;
We were meant for each other, to help tap into our infinite capacities;
We were meant to live, to love, and to long for home;
The only power Fear has is when its lies are believed as truth.
Monday, September 01, 2014
It whispers to the soul,
While asleep at night;
A lie? A warning?
Hollywood in head,
Boulder on chest,
Naive hopes at 9,
That 11 will bring any rest
It riots between neurons,
While asleep at night;
A disease? A disorder?
Snuff out serotonin smiles;
Gas to cortisol flames;
Igniting burning shame.
It hovers and stares,
While asleep at night;
A devil? A demon?
Blood chums waters,
Swallowing whole the light;
With its lust for the dark;
Awakened by the whisper,
Awash in panic -
So far from the sun,
In the company of a ghost,
In the company of none;
In the company of no one;
In the company of know One;
In the company of Known One.