Though I Resist

Though I resist,
Time is my teacher,
Anticipating my awareness,
Slow to take as it is
At some enlightened place;
All the evidence
Already accessible
Slow as I am,
Time believes in me

Though I resist
Struggle is my master
Countering my every impulse
Making me earn twice
What I think should take once
Without explanation
Without justification
Frustrated as I get,
Struggle believes in me

Though I resist
Suffering is a misunderstood genius
Sculpting my soul
With ruthless chisel
Into something more like me
Deaf to my cries
Blind to my wounds
As I rage,
Suffering believes in me.

An Anxious Heart Can Be Many Things

An anxious heart can be many things.

It can be a call to silence.
It can be a call to prayer.
It can be a call to creativity.
It can be a call to work.
It can be a call to come clean.
It can be a call to slow.
It can be a call to organize.
It can be a call to risk.
It can be a call to forgive.
It can be a call to stand up for yourself.
It can be a call to humility.
It can be a call to surrender.
It can be a call to rise up.

Oh this anxious heart,
So honestly undone,
Speaks the way it knows,
Unignorable voice,
Anxiety, like fire to the touch,
Communicates, talks, SCREAMS like Jagger
And you cannot be the same,
With a voice like that,
Committed to you.

Try, try to quiet the voice,
Try to smother in mud,
Try to suffocate it with pill-ohs
It will scream ever louder,
Until you hear nothing else,

Oh anxious heart,
Never forsake or abandon,
For without you,
How would we know?

It's Just Politics

It’s Just Politics

When the ocean mocked the desert's thirst, 
When the mountain taunted the flat prairie,
When the tree dismissed the flower,
When all creation turned on itself,
In self-preservation,
The planet slowly went dark and cold,
Slowly slipping into eternal night,

And then 
Suddenly: 
          Blizzardmidnight! allatonce,
Everywhere,
Stopping clocks,
Stopping Seraphim,
Stopping meaning,

Everyone found a way to be alone
And forgetful
And terribly busy

          Oh for a dash of purpose,
Sandpounders whimpered.
But from somewhere big,

"Resist!" 

Shouted some light,
And that was it,
But that was enough,
The Lightvoice echoed,
Like the universe was a canyon,
One word broke a hole,
In the dark.
And the dark was beyond repair.
The dark now riven, 
Gashed mercilessly by Mercy
Gushing Light of Mercy
          Gosh I needed Mercy

Can't stop blinking
Remembering
Hugging
We again 
Finally, we again

Chris J. Gonzalez
31 May 16

One Brutal Baptism

One Brutal Baptism

Limping down the bank
Into the current
With one brutal baptism
Standing between here
And the other side
Drowning possible?
Drowning required!

Flesh awashed on shore
Tossed
Water-logged
Limp
Mouth-to-mouth
Breath of life

Awaken in wimsy
Animated in wonder
Imagination sprung free
All familiar
All new
"I've never been here"
"I've always belonged here"
"Finally! Finally! Finally!
I know what to do"

What Little Sky

Redemption unignorable
Reaches to what little sky it sees
Drawn to the light
From the bottom
Of an open grave
Again again again
Reaching reaching reaching
Unobserved, unseen, unremarkable
Without reward
Besides the hope to reach the light
Without reward
Besides another day to live
Without reward
Besides now
Accumulated moments
Gather into a history
Reaching forever upward
Toward a future
That was never intended to inspire
But can't do anything else
No pride
No pretense
No ego
Just reaching for the light

(Photo Cred Jonathan White)

Sisters - By The Scars of My Tongue

You're so very loyal,
By the scars of my tongue,
With all my voices carefully managed,
In the silence of my mind,
Never making it past my teeth,
Those simple and reckless thoughts,
Benign and explosive feelings -
My heart and soul -
justlikeyours
Obscured from you -
For you.

I lassoed these tornadoes in my mind,
For you,
And you've never felt the breeze.
I think about my thoughts,
And you just speak yours;
I'm so fluent in our difference,
You think we're the same,

Because you need us to be the same,
You can't be you,
If I am not also you,
And letting you think so,
Was the best love I ever had,
For so long,
For too long,
I've done you wrong.

And you'll sip, just right, your just right coffee,
And I'll have what you're having, again
And we're both smiling,
For different reasons,
In our paper sisterhood,
Oblivious to the silence
You enjoy. Demand. REQUIRE.

So, my confession is due,
We're one, but we're not the same,
And I think I love you more,
But so scared you'll love me less,
Sister, it's just me - this time all of me,
And I hope you still think I'm pretty
Now that you see
The scars of my tongue.

The Big Empty

I am a thimble
Yearning for the ocean
Longing to be a bucket
Yearning for the ocean
Longing to be a hole
Yearning for the ocean
Longing to be a canyon
Yearning for the ocean
Longing to be a crater
Yearning for the ocean
Longing to be empty enough
To be filled with the ocean

Held

A scoop of sand

Held as tight as can squeeze

Sand of hourglass

Sand of desert

Sand of sea

Gravity, wind and wave

Conspire to regain

All sand

From this moment

Of held sand

Till it is

Wisped away

Fallen to earth and

Swallowed by sea

My fingerprint 
On every grain

Declaration

In the whirl and whip
Of these worry-filled
Winds of Winter
They hurry through bare-branched forest and
Blow their bone rattling cold
Through marrow and soul
Whispering wintry words without mercy or promise
Except the promise to steal steam from coffee
And fling it into infinite cold
Endless cold
Forevercold.

Night after night
The dark wind howls
Outside windows
And threatens to enter
And creeps through cracks
And open doors
And haunts basement floors
Taking all it can take
With a lust for more

And yet

The Light makes way
Without detection (at first)
And day by day
Captures some cold
One minute at a time

Sequestered cold
Still overconfident
Still ignorant
Still threatening
Still cold
Stilled

Light only (at first)
To show the robin where to fly
Before thought of flight ignited
To call the flower to bloom
Buried deep in a seed
Before it thought to awake

Then Sun whispers warm
Breaths into the wind
The bird hears first
Then sings songs earlier this morning
Than the morning before
With patient wooing
Of sleeping seeds

Reluctant cold
Relents and retreats
At the soothing songs of the Sun

Rousing flower from seed
To reach for light
From buried darkness
To break the Earth
To rise and declare –
“Spring!”

A Prayer For Research

God of all Truth,
Maker of the Universe,
Keeper of all Knowledge,
You are the Maker of makers,
The Creator of creators,
The Builder of builders;

We gather here,
Together with each other,
Together with you,
Hungering and thirsting for righteousness,
And as we seek this righteousness,
In Part, through this advanced training,
We ask for your guidance and blessing;

We gather to learn and consume knowledge;
We gather to learn how to apply the knowledge we consume;
However, we gather to learn the sacred task of creating knowledge.

We come with our confidence;
We come with our insecurities;
We come with our wise assumptions;
We come with our foolish assumptions;
We come carrying beliefs that may be supported;
We come carrying beliefs that may be crushed,
And we enter into what is reserved for the very few
In this world,
In this history –
We come to create knowledge
We hope reflects truth,
We hope reflects Truth
For our own understanding and
For the understanding of the world.

Give us child-like curiosity,
Child-like imagination,
Child-like innocence,
As we take our hands and minds
And put them to the powerful and sacred tools
Of knowledge creation.

Give us maturity beyond our years,
Give us wisdom beyond our experience and observation,
Give us humility to match the courage needed,
To take our hands and minds
And put them to the powerful and sacred tools
Of knowledge creation.

Give us ears to hear
The knowledge creators who have gone before us,
Who have pushed the edge of knowledge out to where it is,
Who have pioneered and struggled in the uncreated
So we will walk simply where they labored,
Give us critical minds to discern
The knowledge created before us.
Give us humility to respect
The knowledge created before us,
While maintaining all the wild imagination
You have already set in motion within us.

Thank you for the privilege
To be a creation who creates.

Amen

Praying under the Waterfall

Praying under the coldest waterfall
On the hottest day
For all that dirt
To wash away
To return to the earth
For another chance
To grow something beautiful
To sing and to dance
With the rhythm unbroken
Just pounding down
Applause of angels
Endless sound
Too much to drink
Too much to take in
Too much to control
Too much for my sin
Endless love
Liquid scripture
Healing imperfections
Filling fissures
With clean clean water
For a sore sore soul
It's never going to end
I'm never going to go

Secret Oxygen

When the gasp finally comes,
To choke out the waters,
Of a dark baptism,
To beat the grave,
This time,
Fully alive;
More than zombies;
More than eating without hunger;
More than drinking without thirst;
More than these little desires -
Saline for thirst
Sugar for hunger
Drive-though lust
Like Las Vegas as a church;
When the gasp explodes through it all,
There is life

Life springing from real desire
Not on the skin - But
In the veins
In the marrow
In the soul

There is an oxygen that can only be gasped

Something On The Horizon (Behind You)

After so much nothing
Wheeling so fast
Feeling so slow

After so much tut-tut-tut tut-tut-tut
Highway speed - for so long,
Infinite distance,
Never going to get there,
Monotony lulls,
Perceived progresslessness;
Weighted eyelids

“There.” It is! There is here! Wake up! You’re missing it!

Tut-tut-tut tut-tut-tut
So much nothing.

Lazarus Has Something to Say

The Green stirs stories;
Fires neurons;
Leans full on into hope
Like Pisa for the uninitiated

The Green induces amnesia;
Snow and slush?
Soulflooding aspiration
"Maybe I'll run a marathon"

The Green rallies redemption;
Losers win!
Death is shocked again;
All of nature resurrects

Rain Dances

Frantic plips pulse and fade

In confident puddles 

That will mud

That will crack

That will forget 

But not today

Insistent streams surge and swell 

In search of rest

That will irrigate

That will stagnate

That will evaporate

But not today 

Immersive rains quench and quell

In expectant thirsters

That will run

That will sweat

That will thirst again

But not today

The nostalgic future of clock museums

Time lost track of me

Oh the blissful abduction of flow

Unconscious

Hyperaware

Time flew by

And went looking for me

But I was here all along

Very here

So here

Extraordinarily here

More here 

Than time would have ever allowed

Hidden in plain sight

Cloaked in laughter

Covered in friendship

Clouded in love

Time tried to hunt me down

But I was too happy to be found 

And eternity went deep

Outside the radar

Undetectable

Undisturbed

And free

And when time finally found me

It couldn't contain 

Memories pushed back

On the intended occupation 

For memories of the past

Pushed right through me

And became anticipation 

Time failed

Time jailed 

Time wailed

And I...

I remembered the future

Sweeter: A Pardoy of Gavin Degraw

You
You don’t know how hungry you are
Isn’t that your third Snicker Bar?
... And soon enough you’ll have Dippin’ Dots

Spam!
Once you eat that meat from a can
Doesn’t make you more of a man
You’re just eating something you like
Woo hoo

I just wanna bake
Someone else’s chocolate cake
The eggs and the ham are greener
And someone else’s swiss cakes,
Someone else’s swiss cakes
Sweeter

You,
Gordon Ramsey told you you’re dumb
Spent too much time chewing gum
But Willy Wonka thinks you’re the bomb

Now you’re eating some angel
Next you’ll be eating some Devil
I wanna bake you something
If you promise that you won’t tell
Woo hoo

I just wanna bake
Someone else’s chocolate cake
The eggs and the ham are greener
And someone else’s swiss cakes,
Someone else’s swiss cakes
Sweeter

I’ma recommend
You take that pound cake to the other end
I really like it but I’d never end
Not with this mouth of mine

I just wanna bake
Someone else’s chocolate cake
The eggs and the ham are greener
And someone else’s swiss cakes,
Someone else’s swiss cakes
Sweeter

I just wanna bake
Someone else’s chocolate cake
The eggs and the ham are greener
And someone else’s swiss cakes,
Someone else’s swiss cakes
Sweeter

7 Years of Missing My Dad - Easter

How do seven years pass so rapidly?
Where does time go?
Is there a place it is stored after it is used up?
Could we stop it for a while?
Sort through used time for a while?
Must time always be new and ever moving?

I wish I could have him back,
Just for a day,
Just for an hour,
Wouldn't he be so proud of his grandkids?
Would he relish the stories of Africa?
Wouldn't  he have some advice that makes me say,
"How the Hell do you even know that?" or
"How long you been holding on to that nugget of wisdom?"

In that moment together,
We would go for a drive;
We would talk about life;
We would eat pizza;
We would laugh;
We would live out some more of our reconciled relationship;

We would look at each other with faces that say,
"All is forgiven"
"I love you"
"I am proud of you"
And we would not need words.

Seven years ago today I buried my father;
Seven years ago today was the last time I saw his face;
Seven years ago today
Marked me;
Changed me;
Emptied me.

My soul is stretched thin between heaven and earth,
As part of me went with him,

And yet there is a promise,
The Easter promise,
The promise that death,
With its bluster and fury,
With its hate and rage,
With its smugness and certainty,
Does not have the last word,
Like it thinks it does.

I cannot see my father;
I cannot hold my father;
I cannot hear his voice...

But I will
And when I see him I will run to him
And he will run to me
We will trample death on the way to each other


 

A prayer before departure

I go to carry you with me;
I go to find you;
I go to find me;
I go to serve you.

Layers upon layers
Of toil
Of stress
Of complications
Of manic pace
Cover my heart
Numb my soul
Consume my intellect and
Tamp down my passion,

But I seek an uncovered heart
A sensitive soul
A freed intellect
And an emerging passion

To give the best of me
To the best of you
To serve the most beautiful of creatures
The world will ever witness
The young images of God

Those whose image has been attacked
By the evil of launching such an assault
On the young images

They are free and they shall forever be
Free
May their hearts be freed
Like their bodies are now freed
May their souls be freed
Like their bodies are free
May their minds be freed
Like their bodies are free.

Free me to free them
Free them to free me.

I beg for freedom
For healing
For hope
For peace

I beg for love to be born of wounds
For hope to be born of despair
For goodness to be born of evil
For freedom to be born of slavery.

Let us all be free

Psalm 51 Reloaded

Oh God, I’m begging for help;

You’re endlessly good;

Your love is bigger than the universe itself;

I blew it!

I blew it big time and it is bigger than I am;

Your love is the only thing bigger than my sin;

I need a do-over;

It keeps replaying in my mind over and over again;

It’s all I can think about.

 

I betrayed you. I embarrassed you. I made you look bad.

I deserve whatever revenge you can imagine,

And it still would not make things right;

This guilt hurts so bad it feel like I have always been bad;

Like I was born this way – evil;

The opposite of your desires.

 

I need to be scrubbed from head to toe;

From heart to soul;

I am filthy;

I am infected;

Clean me;

Heal me;

Restore me.

 

Could I never be happy again?

It seems impossible.

Could I ever look in the mirror again?

Seems hopeless.

But maybe? Could I?

 

Oh God, don’t look at me – I’m hideous.

Maybe you could just rip out the bad parts and leave the rest;

Maybe there would be something left.

Maybe just start over.

Create me a second time. Fresh. New.

I feel so torn.

I do not want to be far from you,

But I can’t stand to be with you when I am like this.

 

I used to have hope,

But that was before I ruined it;

Could I have this hope again?

Oh God, don’t leave me, not now, not in this time of crisis.

 

I promise I will never forget what I have done.

I will warn others about this.

It is my mission.

 

I will tell everyone how kind you are;

How filled with compassion you are;

How you ignored revenge and loved me instead.

I will tell how you did not require payment;

You did not exact a pound of flesh.

 

Let the goodness that I now know in you be for everyone;

I am certain that if everyone knew you this way,

There would be more joy in this world.