The news is worse today.
"I don't think things could get worse," said the pulmonologist.
In addition to heart and lung failure, he has kidney failure. He has sepsis and they suspect something going wrong with his brain as one of his eyes is unusually swolen. They would do a CAT scan, but cannot because he is so large. They ahve a bed that flips over and would effectively have him facing the floor in order to assist his breathing. Again, too dangerous because of his size.
I finally cried this morning. It's been coming. The thing is, when the sedative dosage is low, he is responsive, moving his hands and opening one eye. He can answer questions with hand movements. It was a little easier when I believed he didn't know what was going on, that he was on life support. If he is aware as he seems to be, then he knows.
I am watching my father die. He's 59. I feel sad, helpless, and I don't know how to talk to him. I've said, "I love you," and the kinds of things you say, but then I am a little speechless - a lot speechless.