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Monday, May 30, 2005

Communion and great sex

(New series on Christian Parenting - "Parenting Teens")

(Warning: if you are not grown up enough to read about sex, here is a link to Mr. Rogers)

Some women have sex all of their adult lives and never orgasm. I am a marriage and family therapist, so I get the inside story on these situations. Sadly, it’s more common than you want to believe.

Usually what happens with these women is that something has contaminated their sex life. Some of these women got some really bad advice from their mothers – "Just lie there and take it; the more you cooperate the quicker he’ll be done." Others were sexually abused as children. Still for other women, it is their husband’s demands (unusually high frequency demanded or perverse behaviors) which inhibit her satisfaction. Some women got some bad religion as a girl – "Sex is dirty." I could go on and on, but I think that you get the point.

Yet, with all of this, the truth is that sex is good, healthy, and in the larger picture, necessary.

Some Christians take bread and wine their whole adult lives and never commune. I am a Christian, so I get the inside story on these situations. Sadly, it’s more common than you want to believe.

I grew up in a church that required weekly communion of it believers. It happened like this: At the appropriate time during the Sunday morning worship serve, four men would stand behind a large wooden table that said, "This do in remembrance of Me," in Old English script, hands folded in front of them in the fig leaf position. Stock prayers, always including the statement, "in a manner pleasing to you," were uttered first for the cracker, then for the grape juice (never real wine), and then for the contribution, which was done with the communion, though "separate and apart," and, "as a matter of convenience."

There were some problems with communion.

It was the same every time. It was called the center of the worship service, but was never treated very special. Rarely was it ever explained except for the fact that it was Jesus’ flesh and blood and that we should feel real bad that we did this to him, and in fact keep on doing this to Him every time we sin.

It also flowed from church-culture context of legalism – you have to do this or else you are sinning. Growing up, I took a lot of communion, but I never really got communion. I never really learned how to commune. The obligation, the unexplained ritual, the stock prayers, the rote communing did not really penetrate. The whole exercise got contaminated from the very beginning.

Yet, with all of this, the truth is that communion is good, healthy, and in the larger picture, necessary.

The solution is to slow down, take a deep breath, let off with the pressure, and experiment without obligation. Certainly it takes the cooperation of two and the demands of none. When it happens, it is great, and when it just doesn’t, oh well, it doesn’t mean anything for the relationship. Part of connecting is the effort to connect. Celebrate each other with joy when it works and flow with grace for each other when it doesn’t work.

15 comments:

Neal said...

Don't really know anything about sex without orgasm, but the communion without communing is very, very real. I'm heartbroken by the poor, meaningless, rote way many of us do communion. I pray every week that we will begin to take it seriously and experiment and learn what it means to commune with the Creator. Highly reccomend John Mark Hicks' book, "Come To The Table."

SteveA said...

You got guts. Thanks!

Donna G said...

Catchy title...

This is my whole problem with the people who would commune every Sunday or die trying. Some Sundays I want to just pass the tray on because I know I will only be partaking and not communing.

Just like we prefer our sexual partner to be totally focused on us during sex, I want to be totally into communing when I commune. The fact that I may not be "in the mood" does not change my love.

(I hope my mother never reads this!)

Peggy N Texas said...

And just like sex is usually more exciting and "communing" when done spontaneously, why not come to the table spontaneously? I have been told we should not have communion any other time, but Sunday during worship? (Where do people get these ideas?)

Anyway, thanks for your words and I highly recommend the book neal w. suggested by John Mark Hicks. It gives a new perspective on why we commune together.

You see I was raised that communion was a quiet time for reflection on what I have done to Christ and how he forgives me. Period. All the focus on me, me, me. No mention that communion is being in the presence of God, being with my brothers and sisters in the specialness of grace and preparing myself for walking in the world.

When I realized communion was for God and my relationship with him and lateral toward my brothers and sisters and my relationships with them, it made a hugh difference. It made sense to me that if my relationships either way were hindered, then it hindered the other.

Sex should be only between husband and wife, but great sex is not about me, but about him.

Great communion is not about me, but about Him!

Thanks for the thoughts

David U said...

Chris, what a SUPER post! I know it's not about getting things
"RIGHT"........but I have been convinced for several years that if there is any one thing that we have screwed up the most, it is our approach to our time in communion involving the "Lord's Supper". How many times have you ever taken it in the context of a meal? How many times do we read of it being partaken that way in the New Testament....including the FIRST time, when Christ was in charge of it?!?! :) Surely we are missing out on something.

Keep challenging us brother!
DU

Jeffrey said...

Wonderful post! Relatively new to your blog, but have very much enjoyed reading it. I'm a newly wed church planter, so...well you get the idea.

Gave this post a link in a post on my blog this morning. Thanks for your openess on the topic of sex (shudder..lol) and how it DOES relate to our relationship with Christ.

JBlogger said...

Chris,

Good post, and thanks for the link to Mr. Rogers, which I did go to first. I, too, am in a fellowship that celebrates the Supper weekly (and, yes, sometimes weakly). Less often is not the answer anymore than more often is...just like telling my wife I'll only tell her I love her periodically to make it "more special" wouldn't fly. As you point out, it's about the depth, meaning, and attitude we bring, not frequency.

Like marital relations, the Supper will be much more meaningful and moving when we realize it's not a single act, but a loving relationship that culminates and is celebrated in communion.

Anonymous said...

An excellent post.

Something that may help you enter into the commuion more fully is the richness of the imagery that Christ chose.

When we drink the cup He offers, we are the Bride accepting His proposal.

You can read more about it (and other Jewish-Christian symbolism here.

Also, I would argue that sex without orgasm is not really the issue a lot of women are dealing with. It's the lack of cleaving between the husband and wife: Communion.

Which is most likely what you are getting at; I would just be careful not to draw too close a comparison to the physical act of orgasm. There is something deeper we need - something more soulful.

An orgasm without cleaving to your spouse will leave you just as unfulfilled as taking the bread and wine without really communing with Christ or your brethren.

judy thomas said...

Don't know much about....but what a great metaphor! I recently taught that one of the rites which should enrich family life is taking communion together at home. INCLUDING CHILDREN!!!! John Mark's book is insightful reading to those who are stuck in rote.

john alan turner said...

Fantastic! I've used this analogy before, but never in this direction. Thanks for giving me something new to put in the toolbox.

Fajita said...

Excellent comments. Laura, thanks for the clarification. Orgasm does not equal intimacy. All metaphors have got break down some where. Thanks for getting the point.

Hugo said...

My wife never complains . . .:-)

Excellent post - I've had occasion to talk about sex with my jr. high students and older students adn adults, and many of them (young and old alike) look shocked when I tell them that God wants us to have sexual intercourse, that sexual intercourse is a form of prayer/spirituality, and that sexual intercourse is a wonderful thing to happen between people . . .

Blessings & Peace,
Hugo

Hugo said...

My wife never complains . . .:-)

Excellent post - I've had occasion to talk about sex with my jr. high students and older students adn adults, and many of them (young and old alike) look shocked when I tell them that God wants us to have sexual intercourse, that sexual intercourse is a form of prayer/spirituality, and that sexual intercourse is a wonderful thing to happen between people . . .

Blessings & Peace,
Hugo

James said...

Chris,

Good post, and thanks for the link to Mr. Rogers, which I did go to first. I, too, am in a fellowship that celebrates the Supper weekly (and, yes, sometimes weakly). Less often is not the answer anymore than more often is...just like telling my wife I'll only tell her I love her periodically to make it "more special" wouldn't fly. As you point out, it's about the depth, meaning, and attitude we bring, not frequency.

Like marital relations, the Supper will be much more meaningful and moving when we realize it's not a single act, but a loving relationship that culminates and is celebrated in communion.

pegc said...

And just like sex is usually more exciting and "communing" when done spontaneously, why not come to the table spontaneously? I have been told we should not have communion any other time, but Sunday during worship? (Where do people get these ideas?)

Anyway, thanks for your words and I highly recommend the book neal w. suggested by John Mark Hicks. It gives a new perspective on why we commune together.

You see I was raised that communion was a quiet time for reflection on what I have done to Christ and how he forgives me. Period. All the focus on me, me, me. No mention that communion is being in the presence of God, being with my brothers and sisters in the specialness of grace and preparing myself for walking in the world.

When I realized communion was for God and my relationship with him and lateral toward my brothers and sisters and my relationships with them, it made a hugh difference. It made sense to me that if my relationships either way were hindered, then it hindered the other.

Sex should be only between husband and wife, but great sex is not about me, but about him.

Great communion is not about me, but about Him!

Thanks for the thoughts