A week from today is the first Christmas without my father. I am sad, but not for the reasons you might think. Yes, I miss him. But Christmas and my father never did mix very well.
Half of my Christmas memories of my father came after my parent's divorced while I was in college. That meant a split Christmas. It was not split evenly, though. Most of post-college Christmas time was spent with my mother and the host of people she invited over, mostly, but not always, comproised of relatives. Dad was alone in his apartment.
I would take a dive over there, to his lonely place, and we'd eat a pizza and watch TV - maybe talk politcs. Yes, it was time with my dad, but it wasn't what the wonder of Christmas was supposed to be. It was sad. It was this reminder that my parents were divorced - really divorced. My hopes that hrey might work things out were crushed with each visit. Those feelings of fading hope were most reinforced over Christmas at dad's place.
So, this Christmas I don't really miss any of that. I don't miss those sad times. I am sad this Christmas because of the emtpy spot where there are supposed to be happy memories with my father. There really aren't any. Then I look at my children. I have got to make sure that have something happy to remember when they look back on their childhood.
I must allow my past to inform my present in order to create a better future.
6 comments:
amen, brother.
Look at it from your father's perspective.
You probably made "his" Christmas.
Len
Thanks for the comments. Means a lot right now.
umm..i noticed you posted on my blog..when i read your post it was heart wrenching..i too have these memories and now embracing my two kids as they brace themselves with their first christmas with my husband and our impending divorce. its been heartbreaking for me. my husband told my kids he was going to oregon because it would be awkward here..man, its so sad Chris, because you and i know how sad and empty it is...please pray that in some way i can make this christmas as happy as it can possible be...thanks for stopping by my blog..peace
Beverly, thanks for sharing in my grief. I tihnk there is way to share in grief that is more profound than "misery loves complany," and is something of a deep comfort. May God be with you.
umm..i noticed you posted on my blog..when i read your post it was heart wrenching..i too have these memories and now embracing my two kids as they brace themselves with their first christmas with my husband and our impending divorce. its been heartbreaking for me. my husband told my kids he was going to oregon because it would be awkward here..man, its so sad Chris, because you and i know how sad and empty it is...please pray that in some way i can make this christmas as happy as it can possible be...thanks for stopping by my blog..peace
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