When Revisiting The Boneyard of Regret...

When Revisiting the Boneyard of Regret…

In Sufjan Stevens 2005 song Chicago, there is a refrain that repeats over and over, “I made a lot of mistakes; I made a lot of mistakes.” For a song that might be cloaked in ambiguity lyrically, it resonates emotionally. Who can’t repeat the refrain and mean it? There are few feelings like the angst of aching regret giving way to the humble relief of confession. The nature of regret is torment, suffering, and persistent psychological self-harm. The nature of confession however, is freeing. Confession frees to leave the boneyard of regret, frees to learn from failure, frees to remember without suffering.

Sooner or later, everyone pays a visit to the boneyard of regret. Strewn with the carcasses of hurt feelings, corpses of stupid mistakes, and skeletal bones of all manner of failures, the boneyard of regret is a place where parts of people go to die. Embarrassment, shame, and humiliation haunt this boneyard where it is always midnight, always foggy, and always looks like there is no way out.

For some people, it is tempting to do anything possible never to visit the boneyard. Avoid, deflect, rush to pleasure - there are many ways to run from regret. For other people, it is tempting to pitch a tent in the boneyard, endlessly trying to solve the unsolvable equation – time travel. They torture themselves with “If only I had…” as though they can unfail. Whether avoiding the boneyard or taking up residence in it, each results in the construction of a realm of suffering that is unnecessary.

Visiting the boneyard of regret is an unfortunate requirement of being human. It cannot be avoided. So, when in the boneyard, here are a few things to consider.

Confess and be free.

There is truth in the boneyard. It is a hard truth, a very hard truth. The bones found rummaging around in the boneyard are the historical facts. All of the facts are true. They are the mistakes, injuries and failures of the past. Just looking at them can be overwhelming. No matter how hard it is to look at them, owning those mistakes, injuries, and failures is required. This boneyard is a place of responsibility and honesty – courageous responsibility; hard honesty. However, the facts must be confessed as just the facts, and nothing more. Just confess and be free. It is the road to self-acceptance.

Learn everything you can.

There is pain in the boneyard. Extreme pain. Sometimes the pain is extraordinary and can be unbearable at times. No one in their right mind wants suffering and pain. However, there is more than suffering in pain. There can be learning along with the pain. All pain and suffering can be instructive. Of all the teachers, guides, and mentors, pain is among the most profound and prolific, if the teaching methods can be tolerated. There is no end to the learning that can be acquired in the boneyard. It can make people better people. Wise people will get all the learning they can.

Give it your grief.

There is grief in the boneyard, but not until it is placed there. Every bone in that bone yard will not be satisfied until it is grieved. Something was lost and that is how the bones got there. There are things there that cannot be undone. There are losses that cannot be regained. There are mistakes that cannot be perfected. One mistake people make when visiting the boneyard is to invest energy into solving something that should be grieved. Go to the boneyard to grieve and then leave a portion of the grief there once you leave.

Visit, but leave.

There is no home in the boneyard. Everything in the boneyard is dead. It is an inhabitable place where no one can survive staying there too long. It’s the surface of the moon. It’s Mars. Yes, visits are necessary and can do some good – but leave. The boneyard exists so there is a place for those painful moments of the past to reside so that people can move forward with their lives. It exists so that people can have it if they need a visit every once in a while as they go about their lives trying to make sense of it without having to carry it all with them all the time.

Leave the bones in the yard.

There are regrets in the boneyard - and that is where they belong. There is no need to carry that past around all the time to every place. The boneyard is a great mercy in that there is a place to put all that pain and then be separate form it for a while. Learning to leave the boneyard is one of the most important spiritual disciplines a person can humbly enter into. Learning to leave the boneyard is the learning how to have a mature relationship with pain and suffering, paying visits, but only for so long. Learning to leave the boneyard is about how to have a mature relationship with grief and loss, when to carry it in and how much to leave there. Rather than avoiding the boneyard or being buried in it, the point is to develop a relationship with it that has good boundaries. And good boundaries means leaving the bones in the boneyard. Exhuming the bones for living room decorations is not hospitable for anyone.

Seriously, Leave The Bones There.

It can be overwhelming looking at all those bones. Owning the bones is hard, but when making claims to the bones, do not go beyond making the claim. It can be tempting to generalize past the facts. It is one thing to confess, “I made this mistake,” but it is quite another thing to assign additional meaning, “I made this mistake and therefore I am a terrible person / disqualified / worthless” and on and on. See the difference. It is responsible to own the bone, but it is irresponsible to assign a psychologically self-harming meaning to the bone. Own the bone and then drop it in the boneyard. People are not worthless. People have infinite worth; it is how people are created.

The boneyard of regret serves a very important purpose in people’s lives. It is a mercy filled with wisdom that demands growth, learning, and maturity in order to access. It is a hard mercy, like a cemetery. It is an unyielding mercy that cannot be avoided. It is an hard, but benevolent mercy that, given the circumstances and when accessed with wisdom, provides the best chance at living for the length of one’s life – thus being the best option overall.

From the Soil of Fear (Ramblings On Fear as a Social Process)

Fear is a gift. Fear, as a physiological reaction to danger, is what has allowed humans to survive for thousands of years. Were it not for fear humans would have been eliminated from the face of the earth long ago. Fear is a response that is triggered from the deep part of the brain that energizes the body to run from danger, fight off threat, or try to be invisible until the environment is once again safe. In short, fear saves lives.

We should all be grateful that we have brains that, without even trying, protect us from all manner of danger with a fear response. However, if humans live only with that part of the brain funtioning, most of the brain remains neglected. The fear response is great when there is immediate danger, but what the brain has to do in order to effectively save us from danger is to turn off the rest of the brain for a while. In short, in order to have an effective fear response, thinking must be disabled. So, when the danger is gone, the brain must re-enable its thinking capacity in order to function in relation with others.

So, fear saves lives, but at the same time fear is no way to live.

Fear, once the immediate threat is gone, should also go away. Fear is simply an indicator of danger, not a way to live. Fear is an indicator to do something now and not a way operate all waking hours. Fear is no way to live as an individual. It is no way to live life in a marriage or family. It is no way to live life in a community. And it is no way to live life as a nation.

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Wait a minute, what is an "immediate threat?" 

Gun to your head = immediate threat
Political views you disagree with = not immedaite threat
Grizzly bear chasing you = immediate threat
Person with different color skin = not immediate threat
Intruder in your house = immediate threat
The existance of refugees = not immediate threat
Tornado hitting your house = immediiate threat
Annoying Facebook post = not immidiate threat
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Relational and communal fear as a social process rather than an individual situational necessity can debilitate a society.

Fear-based living can result in debilitating paranoia
Fear-based marriage can result in toxic suspicion, false accusationn adn endless blame
Fear-based parenting can result in parental over-protection and youth rebellion
Fear-based community life can result in isolation or rigid tribalism
Fear-based nationalism can result in soul-crushing discrimination and war

Fear in its place is good, but living in a constant fear state is possibly the most toxic way to live in relationship to oneself and to other people.

In order to live with other people there must be empathy, but fear disables empathy.
In order to live with other people there must be kindness, but fear disables kindness.
In order to live with other people there must be understanding, but fear disables understanding.
In order to  live with other people there must be vulnerability, but fear disables vulnerability.

From the soil of misplaced fear grow the poison berries of society. When fear is up and running all the time, everything looks like a threat. When fear is up and running, it is easy to be convinced that something, anything is a threat. Why? Becuase when the fear response part of the brain is up and running all it is capable of doing is 1) identifying threat and 2) shutting down all other parts of the brain that are trying to solve for other things (e.g. what is it like to be a refugee and what can I do to help?)

When the fear part of the brain is up and running, if someone says, "there is a threat," the individual is likely to agree, even if there is no logic to it. It can even feel like logic. Even if statistically the odds are almost zero, when fear is up and running, the threat claim seems plausible.

Let's be clear, it is not because the person with the fear part of the brain up and running is stupid. Instead it up because the rational part of the brain cannot run when the fear response is up and running. The fear response literally trumps the rational response.

More than any other appeal in the Bible, "Do not be afraid," is repeated over and over again. Why? It is not merely about having indiviudal peace and inner peace, although that is extremely important. "Do not be afraid" emerges from a deep wisdom about how fear plays out socially. Fear as social soil is bad soil and cannot grow anything good. "Do not be afraid" is a call to a social process as much as it is a call for inner peace.

The good news is that you do not have to be afraid. You do not HAVE to be afraid. Even when politicians, news stories, social media posts and all manner of conversation invite your fear response more than the thinking part of your brain - you do not have to be afraid.

Give that thinking part of your brain a chance to flex its muscle. Everyone will be better off for it.

What About The Kids?

What About The Kids?

The terror attack in Orlando has once again demonstrated that there is violence, horrific and lethal violence in this world. It has also demonstrated that we do not know where and when this violence will erupt. Night club, school, mall, movie theater – it could be anywhere.

Tragic events such as the one in Orlando can trigger anxieties and elevate fears. For those who are parents, the anxiety and fear can be multiplied because of the love we have for our children and the responsibility we have to keep our children safe.

Certainly Orlando deserves our compassion and our concern, but does it deserve our fear? Should we lock up our kids to keep them safe from the world?

The answer is a resounding, “no!”

Here are a few things to consider when dealing with yourself and your children in light of the Orlando terror attack.

Calm Presence. First, what you need from yourself is the same thing your children need from you – a calm presence. When you are calm it demonstrates to your children that they are safe, that there is nothing to worry about. Your calm presence lets your children know that even though there are bad things that happen in this world, nothing bad is going to happen to them. Right here; right now – they are safe.

Assess Exposure. Second, determine how much of this story your children have been exposed to. Have they watched hours of television news stories? Listened to repeated loops on the radio? Do they have access to other devices and social media? How much have they talked with their friends about this? Knowing your child’s exposure level to the story can help to guide how much to engage with them. The younger the child is the less likely they have had some exposure to the story. For example, if a young child (under the age of 6) has not had any exposure to the story, then let it pass. There is no real need to bring up such terrible things to a child so young.

Engage At Their Level. Third, if your do engage your child, make sure to engage at their level. When a three year old asks, “why did this happen?” it is a very different question than a 15 year old asking the same question. All a three year old may need to know is that “sometimes there are bad things that happen in the world, but the good news is that you are safe here with me and …. (list other safe adults).” A teenager may need a deeper and more developed conversation. But no matter the age of your child, when you have a calm presence with them it communicates safety. Your calm curiosity about what they know is a good soft start up for a conversation of this kind. A good rule of thumb is to say as little as you have to and as much as you need to. Overtalking the topic gives the story more power than it deserves and can create anxiety rather than resolve it.

Assess Symptoms. Fourth, sometimes events such as these can trigger anxiety in children. What parents need to be looking for is a change in pattern of the child’s behavior, not one off instances. For example, if the child indicates being afraid one time, that calls for attending to their concerns, but is not a mental health concern. If, however, the child begins a pattern of irritability, being withdrawn or has endless worrisome thoughts that cannot be resolved with calm attention over time, then that might be something to check into. Again, overreacting at this point only makes matters worse, not better. If your calm engagement over time and maintaining the normal and everyday routine does not resolve the new pattern of behavior, a check in with a family therapist would be worthwhile (for younger children a play therapist would be good).

Some parents might find their young children introducing some parts of the Orlando story into their own play. This is actually normal, not a symptom of anxiety. A child’s mother tongue is play, not words. Thus, how a conversation functions for an adult is how play functions for a child. In most cases, the tragic topic will enter into play and then exit as quickly as it entered – just like one conversation moves to the next with adults. Only if the content of the play persists over time and gets progressively more violent and does not resolve should there be any concern.

Boundaries. Finally, managing your own concern, anxieties, and fears is essential. Your child should not serve as your conversation partner about tragedies such as these. Using your child as a sounding board or conversation partner can result in the adultification or parentification of your children. In short, what this means is that you ask your child to perform an adult role with you for your benefit, not theirs. As a parent, it is your responsibility to have adult level conversations with adults and to relieve your anxieties with another adult who can meet them head on equipped with adult maturity. Children are not equipped to do that, even if they are fully willing to enter into it.

Even though the terror attack in Orlando is tragic and terrible and deserves our compassion, it does not mean we must become afraid. In fact, the most powerful response to terror is calmness, the kind of calmness that results in peace within yourself and peace between people. Terror is designed to remove calmness; therefore, calmness in the face of terror is the most powerful and subversive response. It is also the most healthy way to parent your children.

On the Injury and Healing of Innocence

So much has been said of the loss of innocence and how it cannot be regained. It is narrated as though a death happened and a new and darker way of being has begun with the prior, lighter and better way gone permanently.

It is our of exposure to the dark, the dirty, or the sinful murder innocence and puts it in the grace forever.

In such a narrative the one who lost the innocence has lost it completely and cannot make claims of innocence any longer. It is as though they are themselves lost forever, permanently stained, and have gone beyond the reach of anything that could redeem them.

I do not believe this narrative. It is a lie.

Innocence is not an all or nothing reality. Exposure to some dark stuff or even experience in the darkness is not some instant death of innocence. Innocence, in my understanding of it, is not easily killed off.

In fact, so long as a person lives, there is innocence. Innocence does not die while the person lives, but instead it can be injured. And anything injured can be healed, attended to, or adjusted to.

We do not walk this earth with or without innocence; we walk this earth with an amount of injury to our innocence.

Is it true that someone cannot unsee what has been seen? Undo what has been done? Unfeel what has been felt? Yes, all of these are true. But that does not equate to a loss of innocence, but rather a relative injury to innocence.

If I believe innocence is lost, there is nothing that can be done. However, if I believe innocence is injured, then the question of healing and way to heal begins to take on significance.

Healing innocence come at believing that innocence is injured, not dead. What comes next is believing in the state of being made in God’s image – an inherent reality.

Spiritual genetics dictates that we have one and only one father. Therefore all are by definition created in God’s image and therefore inherently innocent. It is the injury to innocence that must be addressed, not whether there is any innocence left living.

The next step is to know the injury. I saw this. I did that. I felt this, this and this. Whatever it is must become part of awareness.

The next step to love God and to love others as God would have us love ourselves. Sometimes injuries to innocence stifle loving other people, loving God and loving self.

Another next step is reclaiming healthy innocence. Seeking to be reminded and refreshed as to what innocence is. This can be pursued in so many ways – prayer, reading scripture, simplicity, hospitality and more.

Another thing to do while healing innocence is to heal with others who are healing. Healing our individual innocence with others helps heal our collective innocence.

Innocence is not lost. You are not lost. It is time to heal.